Depression for me last months and disrupts every arena of my life. 5 days is a miracle and it’s difficult for me to express to you how I feel.
Regardless of severity, my depressions have 4 distinct phases:
The girl falls down the well.
The girl at the bottom of the well.
The girl slowly tries to get up and out of the well.
The girl emerges from the well to commune with the sun.
What was different this time?
It was a short time at the bottom.
Intellectuals call it a nadir. It is critical, this piece, to spend as little time at the bottom of the well as possible.
So then, it was easier to start climbing up and out.
The relief compounds. I couldn’t start climbing out if not for the short time at the bottom.
So then, my momentum compounded.
Since that was gifted to me, a few key flips on the brain chemistry switchboard happened:
went on 2 short walks focusing on the trees
did 3 small things to prove my shame wrong (all social and relational)
talked to a client, made a proposal, shared it (it was received positively)
🔐 The turnkey: I was forced to leave the bed and express myself
Intensity and focus are part of public speaking prep. I had to give a talk in 3 days. For 50 mid-career very smart people in a fancy FiDi office building who were probably just there for the free food.
To prep, I needed to crystallize some main ideas that would be engaging. Get Perplexity to help me outline and pace the topics. Make the deck on Canva.
Another gift: my husband asked to hear the lesson.
Whilst rehearsing the talk, I heard my voice resound, my passion for the topic flow. I could feel my brain chemistry switchboard clickflipclickflipclickflipclickflip and light up like buzzy bistro lights for a backyard summer BBQ.
We rehearsed twice. I gave the talk the next day, nerves and novelty creating a little pressure cooker.
The girl at the bottom of the well clawed at the walls, gave it one more pull, up, over its stone lip.
I landed softly on the grass. It was over.
I think that’s why I returned to baseline in 5 days.
I don’t know exactly, but that’s my guess.
It’s inconclusive because I believe depression and mania have highly mysterious, unseen, spiritual components that are slippery and hard to grasp.
I want to “bottle” this BRAIN CHEMICAL DOMINO EFFECT and Robin Hood it to all human beings. Is that what I’m on this planet to do?
So grateful for the internet (talk opportunity came via LinkedIn, Perplexity helped me with the outline when my brain was seized, Canva is a godsend wow, plus this little diagram favorited on my phone).
It is an evergreen resource for me, and I hope it helps you too:
fighting, fern ⚆
boop*zine by manic pixie real girl ☄︎ september 2026
*Berkeley’s goop
Gwyneth Paltrow is one of my entrepreneurial and female role models. I mixed her incredible concept for goop x my deep longing to make zines from my middle school days again.1 And obvi booping people and pets is so cute 🐽
It’s been 2 months since we moved to Berkeley, CAL. Some enthusiastic field notes:
korean superette cup of nengmyeon JESUS CHRIST
Quite possibly the most innovative Korean thing-with-a-twist I’ve ever experienced. Nengmyeon is one of my favorites if not #1 favorite korean dish. Combine my summer obsession with the sheer boldness necessary to eat in public while walking and my gawd
fava everythinggg
At this moment, if you put a gun to my head and said “Pick the ONE restaurant you are allowed to eat at for the rest of time” it’d be this one. Tasty, healthy, the ingredients vibrate with karma and chakra and prana like they are wont to do in Berkeley. Added bonus: they are upfront for the liberation of Palestine, and all other oppressed peoples of the world.
I especially love the salmon bowl and mango lassi. Probs my death row meal.
of all places the tinned fish selection, specialty foodstuffs
These people know wtf they’re doing. We love tinned fish and their selection is just great. The octopus one! VERY guilty pleasure since they’re so intelligent and play with their mirror reflection and all that, ugh.
I plan on coming here to pick up a niche wine or fun snack for gettogethers
rialto cinema elmwood the vibe, their filme programmm-uh
special mention: new Cal undergrad walking around town with his pillow and a new friend during orientation week
Wish I’d gotten an actual photo but I was too busy taking in all his confidence untapped potential and infinite number of side quests up ahead <3
hyperlocal, fern ⚆
They was a lot of purple ink splashing over black and white printouts of Leo and Claire in Romeo and Juliet
What a crazy thing to say. I want to retract my death row meal musing and say it’d definitely be something my mom made for me. She doesn’t even like cooking and somehow that means more